Blog Therapy: Take 2

I started a blog a couple of years ago. The posts were few and far between, not to mention less than optimistic. I haven't posted anything in over a year and I can't even log into it anymore since my email address has changed. I didn't stick with it long enough, or post frequently enough, to know if it actually helped. But since I'm once again getting that fight or flight, teetering on the brink of a nervous breakdown feeling I thought I'd give it another try, spewing all of my anxieties on the anonymous public as an exercise in self-therapy.

In the off chance that someone actually stumbles across and reads this here's some background:
41 y/o mother of 2
married 22 years
18 y/o daughter (19 next week) who is an hour away at college studying criminal justice and considering a minor in women's studies (fledgling riot grrrl and 3rd wave feminist)
17 y/o son who tests extremely high scholastically, but also tests "high" pharmaceuticly. But "it's just pot" so I'm not supposed to worry that he'll fail out of high school and ruin his life. Even though he's failing out of high school and already has a criminal record. Silly me.
2 fur babies (boxers Braddock and Layla)

These posts are not a cry for help, advice or sympathy. I learned when I was younger that in order to keep from exploding emotionally you have to find an outlet. At first it was self-harm (or cutting) which helped externalize internal pain. Then it was sex. After having the kids it was easy for me to make them my only focus to keep me from feeling anything myself. Of course as anyone could have predicted they got older and don't need me every waking moment which leaves me with my old demons, who patiently waited for me all these years. However unhealthy these methods were I still believe a philosophy of "better out than in" can be helpful when living too much inside your own head. In this way writing has been the only healthy thing that has helped me. I've kept a "Dear Diary" style journal with letters to my G-ma who has passed away. When I was younger, like every angst filled teenager, it was poetry. And now, thanks to the wonders of technology I can post my deepest darkest secrets and fears for the whole world to see.

About the blog title, it was my G-ma's frequent outburst of exasperation when she was being pulled in too many directions at once. My brain feels like that sometimes. Like I'm being asked to feel too many things at once. Stress over bills, pride in one kid, heartbreak and/or anger with the other, loneliness all the time.

That's me in a nutshell. I've promised myself that this time I'll chronicle the funny stuff too. Because thankfully there is some of that. Otherwise I'd have driven into oncoming traffic by now.